Shitted On 'Em (The Grammy's)

First off, let me state that I did not watch the Grammys. Why would I watch something that does not represent any music that I listen to? Was M.O.P. on there? Did Sean Price did get any props? What about Skyzoo or Torae? Reks put out two dope albums. You're telling me O.C. & Apollo Brown didn't win album of the year? But I seen enough pictures and heard enough news about the shit to tell my side of the story.

I have never been big on award shows. No the Grammys, Source, Vibe, Emmy’s, none of them shits. I mean, who wants to see the “Safe Nigga” win the award every year? So this year for Rap album of the year, the nominees were Nas, Lupe Fiasco, The Roots, Rick Ross, 2 Chainz and the eventually winner, Drake. Okay, first, let me talk about Lupe Fiasco. What the fuck happen to this guy since the original Food & Liquor? Ever since this fool then grew them shitlocks, this guy has been putting out quality of shit. I understand when you go to the Grammys', you want to express yourself, but nigga, put some fucking shoes on. Ass trying to look like the Messiah and shit. I don't even know why he showed up. Your comments towards the president was going to make sure you weren't going to win, homes. Plus, even your dumb looking ass said you weren't going to win. Safe yourself a seat on your couch.

2 Chainz, aka, Tity Boi. When Chainz was known as Tity, I actually liked homeboy, way before Duffle Bag Boy. Even though he was country as hell, when he was down with Luda, I could actually tolerate homeboy. But now?

 

Now I actually sat down and wasted an hour of my life when I listened to his album. And this is what I thought.

I swear, when I heard this, I thought of slavery. Who let this nigga out the cage, Chris Bridges? Why did you let this boy loose? I heard the most simple ass, A-B-C rhymes I have ever heard in my life. But people love this clown. And when I say clown, I mean that the most nicest way I can say it. Look at this fool. Mutha fucka looks like a cross between Darth Varder and Count Blackula. And you wonder why people say the south is light years behind.

Next up is Nas and the Roots. I would have been happy with either or winning. Actually, I really wouldn't have gave a shit who won because winning these awards actually means nothing. Nas and the Roots have been doing it since the early 90's, both dropping their debuts in '94. (Roots dropped Organix! in '93, but that wasn't on a major label.) Now I will say that out of these two albums, "Life Is Good" and "Undun," I feel Nas should have won. Actually, Nas should have won that and best rap song for "Daughters." But let me make it clear when it comes to both and this is just being honest. Nas keeps getting nominated for his albums because it's to keep the "underground heads" happy. Plus, Nas is still spoken upon because of his past beef with Jay-Z. Everybody knows this was Nas' best album since Stillmatic and with the competition, this was his best shot. But don't worry, Nas, your next album WILL WIN A GRAMMY!!! I promise that. Think about Susan Lucci, Halle Berry and Denzel Washington when they just gave it to people to shut them the hell up. As far as the Roots, they are looked at as them good ol' boys since they are on Jimmy Kimmel. To me, their albums have been average since they got on national television. But I know plan as day both acts knew damn well they didn't have a chance on winning.

I'm not even going to waste a paragraph on Rick Ross. I want to get straight to the winner, DRAKE!!!!! Drake, the light skin guy from Canada. The black man that no white person fears. The acceptable nigga. Let me be frank, fuck Drake. I think he's horrible and with that tough image, I'd smack tears out his eyes, but your not suppose to hit bitches, so maybe I wouldn't. His whole persona and image is fraudulent and there is nothing this guy can rhyme about that would ever make me like him. But for this dude to win best rap album is a disrespect to any rapper who has ever been nominated. But let me tell you why he won. Because they knew this guy wouldn't make a mockery during his acceptance speech. (I'll get to The Dream later.) Now like I said, I didn't watch the show and don't even know if they show rap category's on television anymore. But if he did give an acceptance speech, he will never live this down. (Skip to 1:19)

Now let me talk about other shit about this award show that has me talking. So Frank Ocean won R&B album of the year. Let me be the first or maybe second person to say that homeboy only won because he's gay and announced it. Let's keep it real. No, I didn't listen to his album. I can't. My manhood will not allow me to. And maybe homeboy can sing, but I'll never know. I heard how God awful he was on that bullshit "Watch the Throne" album. And the other nominees were Chris Brown and that other guy. (Miguel and I'm only saying that because he never stood a chance even though he had the best album out the three) Let me make it clear. Chris Brown was nominated because of the ass whooping he gave Rhianna a few years ago. This was the "In Yo Face" award. 

Because, nigga, you were not going to win. You got nominated just because they forgave you for embarrassing the show years ago when you beat the breaks of Rhianna. You really think people forgive you for that Ike Turner moment, lil' nigga? Society is never going to forgive, regardless if that big headed bitch is on your arm or not.

Now for the main "Nigga Moment of the Night."

First, Jay-Z, I'm glad you finally decided to dress your age. Now to the Dream. Let me state that you could have a bomb ass 2013, but you will not be allowed in the doors next year for any music award show next year that has less than 10% black people in the crown. You mutha fucking walking stereotype. Why, Dream, why? Why all the Slick Rick gold chains? Why did you bring your ugly ass up there without your glass? Why did you come up there looking like an extra from "Boyz In Da Hood?" I'm glad Shawn made that comment because that was basically him say, "Nigga, you won't embarrass me tonight." Just think if that diva Kanye West was up there. He would have had a skirt on or some leggings and been mad because you would have upped him. Grammy awards, next year, instead of worrying about what women have on, worry about these niggas. (Big difference between black people and niggas)

And with that being said, that is my wrap up on the Grammy awards. I will never waste my time watching this shit because like I said earlier, no one that I listen to is represented. No one. And that's it.
P.S: I'd slide meat up in this chick. Raw!

Hit me up @miketurner911 on twitter. Peace.

My Top Ten Viral Videos

People can't do anything embarrassing in public anymore. Everything is viral. More than likely, if you do anything, from ordering a cheeseburger to having sex, that shit is being recorded. If you get into a fight, more than likely, someone is going to yell out, "World Star." And thanks to YouTube and Worldstar Hip-Hop, you can see these scenes over and over. Myself, I like to laugh and when I see a clip that amusing me too much, I lose about an hour of my life rewinding the clip. Yes, a lot of the scenes make a certain dynamic look bad (Niggas),but you also have your set of trashy scenes as well (Crackas). One set of people I don't see posting shit (Spics) is because they are smart with their shit. Hey, I'm raciest against everybody. But here are my top ten viral videos in no particular order. Laugh, enjoy, comment.

10. Sweet Georgia Brown

My First Thoughts: They always picked the most niggerish person to put on camera.
I always heard about this before I actually sat down and wasted my time laughing at this shit. Her famous saying, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Look at homeboy in the background. Niggas, I tell you.

9. Antwan Dodson

My First Thoughts: They always picked the most niggerish person to pun on camera.
Okay, I don't care about homeboys sexuality, but them teeth and gums, that's another subject. This fool got a perm and actually made his 15 minutes last longer than what I hoped to see. C'mon, homeboy had  a song. What the fuck do I have to do to get put on?

8. Nasty Ass Brother and Sister (Warning, Not Safe For Work)





My First Thoughts: That's what you get, bitch!
Let me make this clear, I love head. It's a requirement. Another subject for another time. But uh, ain't nobody going down on me that I cannot see. Lights have to be on first before them bitches go off. That might be a man. But this right here, you're going to go down on a dude through a hole? Y'all made your parents proud. Nasty bitches.

7. When Precious Attacks

My First Thoughts: How big was that dorm room?
I felt so bad for the little girl. When I saw these big bitches (Taywana & Tiny) come from around the corner, I thought "Dear Lord, this bitch is in trouble." If I was any of the skinny girls in the room, I would have left. You bitches were lunch meat for these big broads.

6. Ghetto Ass Reporter Swallows Fly

My First Thoughts: Rewind this bitch.
I laughed my ass off. When I say I lost hours of time watching this shit, man. This mutha fucka went off. I hope this was not live on the air. Even though this clips is mad old, it is still considered a classic in my eyes.

5. Herpies?

My First Thoughts: Well deserved
Niggas is always running up on reporters when they are not suppose this. This drunk bitch right here got everything she deserved. The reporter was quick on her feet. I liked that and the bitch in the background embarrassed herself for the rest of her life. Drunk bitch.

4. Shocked

My First Thoughts: TIMBER!!!!
This ghetto ass bitch got exactly what she asked for. If you want my full thoughts, here you go.
http://www.miketurner911.blogspot.com/2013/02/new-black-history-legend.html

3. Dancing Machine

My First Thoughts: Nigga
First of all, homeboy at beginning looks like Biz Markie. But when this mutha fucka skipped his black ass backwards and got hit by that car, that was it for me. Rewind!

2. Soulja Girl

My First Thoughts: Rewind!
I wasted about a full week of time watching and talking about this crazy bitch. This girl had to be high. But what got me was how long it took people to stop this bitch from going off on the old woman. End results was classic.

1. Best Uppercut Ever

My First Thoughts: Rewind!, Niggas & That's what your black ass get!
Got damn, that has to be the best uppercut I ever seen. Mike Tyson never hit someone that damn flush. "You going to jail now!" has been repeated between me & a friend in general conversation out of nowhere. I don't believe in hitting women, but damn it, you gon' learn!

People, my sense of humor is fucked up, but c'mon, you laughed your ass off at this shit. And damn, do you noticed how many of these clips feature women acting a fool or doing sit they shouldn't? (Another story) I know I missed a few scenes, but these come off top. Did I miss anything? If so, leave your feedback or you can hit me up at @MikeTurner911. Peace.

Holiday Season In February????

It’s tax time and you know what that mean; WHEN NIGGAS GO WILD!!! And other races, too. The real first holiday for black people hits the last week of January. That is when people are able to file their taxes and wait impatiently by the mailbox or check their bank account every morning. Some who have the Internet go check their status all the time on the IRS website. Well let me tell you who is tired about hearing about taxes. Me, Mike Turner.

At work, I work with nothing but women. And I tell you, it’s the worst. It could be because they are ugly and not much to look at, but being ugly and messy is a double negative. So I have this one woman who questions me every damn day about MY taxes.

  “You get your money back?” or “Have you checked the website to know when it’s coming?”

I look at her stupidly since I already told her once, “When it comes to my taxes, the money will come when it comes. I’m not tripping.” (Secretly lying because I’mma be debt free, bitch!)

So when it comes to this woman, she was telling me what she was going to do with her money. Now she just got these braces in her mouth and told me how it will cost $2000 to pay them off. Also, mind you I have giving this woman a ride a few times because she shares a car with her husband. Not man, husband. (Story for another time) So let me run down what she told me.

  “Well I need a car, but I’m going to wait on that.”

So I asked, “Well are you going to pay off your braces?”

  “No, not yet.”

So when I heard this horse shit, I ended up walking from out the lunchroom. Now mind you my job is moving at the end of the week and is further out and guess who ain’t given no one no got damn rides? This one right here. Because see, you’ll hope your ass in the front of my car freely, but when it comes to getting your own ride, you want to bull shit. Fuck that shit. I suggest you take that money and make a down payment on a car, but we know how people do when it comes to taxes. That first week when they get their tax money, hair done, nails did, may buy a car or not. If you’re a woman, you start spending money on that raggedy nigga who sits on your couch all day while you work. C’mon. You know who I’m talking about.

You also have them people who are supposed to be broke by the time their tax money hits their account. They have borrowed so much money during the year and their famous saying,

  “I’ll pay you when I get my income taxes.”

So when it’s time to pay, the person who owes you says,

  “I didn’t get anything back.”

Yeah, that’s that Judge Mathis shit right there! Boy, I tell you. And then you have the people who will go to these tax places where the sign reads, “File today and get paid tomorrow!” Now mind you that you are being charged damn near 10% of their check, but you know how people are. You can't tell them shit. Oh, I’m feeling like Uncle Ruckas right now. The other day, I was in the checkout line and this woman out of nowhere asked me if I got my taxes back yet. After I answer, she gave me the run down on how she got her money back already and how she has to deposit this amount of money in her moms account and so on and so on. Then she has the nerve to ask me if I knew where any cash checking places where at because she needed a payday loan. What? First of all, bitch, do I know you to be telling me all this and asking me all that? And if you just got your taxes, why do you need a loan? Niggas, I tell ya.

Now I don’t know how other people act, but I only go on the ones I know or see. People loaning out their kids and asking for a cut of the money. People claiming shit that they know that they don’t have. Niggas, I tell ya. Now when I say niggas, I’m not talking about black people, I’m talking about these ignorant mutha fuckas who you know do this shit. From February to April, let these people live high of that check. From crabs and shrimps with a S back to roman noodles. Hopefully, but I’m doubtful, people will pay off previous bills before they start making new bills. But you know how NIGGAS act.

People, leave your feedback. You can also find me on Facebook or hit me on twitter @MikeTurner911. Peace.

New Black History Legend

It's black history month and I may have found a new legend in the making. I love raw, unapologetic ignorance. And this shit right here caused me to lose about an hour of my life that I will never get back. And this right here is ignorance at its finest.



Now I do not know when this was recorded or what mall it was at in Georgia, but man, I tell you. Look at the niggas walking around inside of the mall. Was this a swap meet? And with all these hard-nose looking negroes in this mall, how come there was only one security guard at the mall’s entrance? Now let me break down the essence of this clip. A loud mouth woman is at the mall with her loud mouth, fat friend and her or their bad ass kids. At the very beginning of the video, you hear the mother yelling at the guard, “You’re not going to be yelling at my mutha fucking kids!” So the woman is saying don’t yell at my kids, but she is cussing this man out in front of the kids. You can hear the guard to tell her to back it up and that right there was the only fair warning I would have gave ol’ girl. Then her friend, Tonya (That’s my standard hood, fat girl name) starts popping shit in front the same little bad looking kids. So while both woman are yelling and cussing, then the little bastards start to pop shit. Now see, they were little kids before they got to running their mouth, but once they got to talking disrespectful, they became little bastards in my eyes. A couple more minutes pass and the arguing between the security guard and women and kids continue. Eventually, the woman puts her hands on the guard and that’s when the comedy really happens. When I tell you this bitch looked like a mannequin when she fell is an understatement. This broad had no movement for about 2 seconds of her life until she hit that concrete. The same little kid who kept yelling “You gay” slightly moved to the right as his momma fell like “Timber!” Not only did this bitch hit the door first, but her ass bouncing against that wall made me think of a pinball machine. All the people who were looking, plus Taywana (Another big girl reference) slowing backed the hell up. Taywana wasn’t saying shit once she saw her friend catch that stun gun. Once the girl who got shocked got up, she then started to play the victim. She looked like she was about to become a murder victim in a horror movie. When I say she slowly backed up and started crying, ah, the tears that were streaming down my face. All of a sudden, Leory, the victim’s husband, comes outside and comes to his wife's defense. Now see, Lester should have commended the guard because I’m sure that if she acts like this in public in front her kids, who knows how she acts like behind closed doors. Antonio then begins to make threats and "I’ll see you after you get off." I’m sure the last bus came at about six, so it would have been impossible for Tony to go on with his threat.

While doing some investigating, I found out the name of this guard. Darien Long, I salute you. Because not only did you make me laugh for over an hour, but you became a Black History Legend in my eyes. My only problem I had is why did you stop with one shock? My first victim would have been the one you got. She came off the rowdiest, so she would have gotten shocked. My second would have been for Tamkeisha. That big, bitch might have had to take two stuns. My third, forth, and fifth would have been for them little bastards. If you’re big enough to call me adult slang, be able to take this adult shock. And my last one would have been for Jerome for stepping in my face.

From what I’ve heard, Darien has several other videos at this ratchet, raggedy ass mall, but I’m only commenting on this one. And if any of those other ones are as funny as this, then I have a few hours I need to put on hold. Because you, sir, should be a wake-up call for any woman who is bold enough to treat men like this. Women need to learn to keep their got damn hands to their self. Now I do not believe in hitting a woman, but that shock might have woken her ass up from thinking about next time acting a fool in public. Others in your area will know not to think about acting a fool when you are around, Mr. Long. So with that being said, I give you a round of applause. People, I hope you laugh as hard as I did. And with volume, its classic. PS, I need to invest in a stun gun.

Swag?!?!?!?!?

This is your idol. Manhood is changing. Dressing like your woman is now the new thing. Today while I was at work, browsing the Internet like I’m not suppose to be doing, I run into this interview by hip-hop artist, Lord Jamar. He was talking about another fellow rapper by the name of Kanye West and how he has made people think it is acceptable wear kilts, aka, dresses. Let me make this straight, this is not a hip-hop post, but a lot of what I say may be geared towards the hip-hop audience.
I’m in my mid thirties and I wouldn’t dare wear some of the shit I see some men wearing.
 Tight pants.
Big ass belts
Stretch pants
What the fuck? Where the fuck are these man's fathers? My homeboy quoted, "A father's failure." And that's exactly what this shit is. Now in my early 20’s, I did rock two ear rings and have my tongue pierced, but my manhood was never questioned. I use to get poon-tang by the pound, but that’s another story. Also, I never had a man come on to me or even think I swung that way. Even though I don’t have nothing against gay men, that just was never and will never be my thing. But when I did come home with both my ears pierced and my tongue done, my dad went the fuck off. In for real, he should have. Because no father is going to let their son walk around dressed like this. When I was younger, I remember sagging your pants was the thing to do. No, we weren’t showing our ass like they are doing now, but are pants weren’t tight on us like these boys are wearing now. And I remember my father yelling at me, “Pull your got damn pants up. Ni@@as in jail would look at you like sweat meat.” I was young, so I wasn’t trying to hear all that. But back to these man bitches. Now, these young men are wearing jeans that are tight enough that there woman cannot even fit in. I saw another interview today wear another rapper, little Juelz Santana admitted to buying a woman’s belt. What the fuck? That’s what they’re doing in Harlem now? A few years ago, I remember being in the barber shop and they had two kids in there that was on this fashion shit. One of the young boys had on some tight, red pants, a tight shirt, some big ass sneakers with the tongue sticking out and a got damn scarf. A scarf? Now mind you this was the summer time. Not a fucking drop of snow was on the ground. I haven't wore a scarf since I was in elementary school. I don’t even remember what the other cat had on. So anyways, as I’m about to go get my haircut, I accidentally stepped on homeboys foot. Before I got a chance to apologize for scuffing his sneaker, he goes into a panic attack saying, “Oh, someone stepped on my shoe. Someone stepped on my shoe. Oh my goodness!” Now I don’t know if ol’ boy was gay, but I kindly told him, “If you swing, you better make sure it’s a fist.” He looked like he would do all that hand swatting shit. So back to this fashion shit. Things have changed for the worst. What people call swag, I call fag swag because a lot of men are starting to dress feminine like shit. I don’t trip on the pink shirt shit because depending on how you rock it, it can be done. I use to wear pink shirts, but best believe my pants weren’t tight as shit and the color of my pants was not even close to being pink. Since a lot of the stars are wearing this crazy looking shit, from basketball stars to emcees, a lot of the men now of days are following behind their idols. Leggings? For real. My girl wears that. A size 32? I haven't wore that size since I was in high school. A skirt? My daughter looks cute in them. A blouse. A FUCKING BLOUSE!
 
Why God, why? Where were these men's male figures in life. Did they play football or with barbie dolls coming up. My God, how could I go on this long. Why don't I have a Chris Bosh picture on here yet. He's the definition of everything I am talking about. Someone once told me he's not a man's man. I said since he wasn't a man's man, he was border line bitch. Don't believe me?
Men, stop competing with your woman. There's only one man who can get away with wearing heels and that Prince. That mother fucker is 5'2 and has reason. Plus, his track record of women he has ran through is legend. But if your woman, home girl, sister or daughter can wear what you have in mind, put that shit back in the closet. If you want to be a bitch, be a bitch. But don't come out wearing girl shit and claiming you're straight. I don't wear tight clothes because I like my penis to breathe. You people might as well wear thongs, man bitch. And why wear tight ass pants if you are trying to sag them.
Get out that tight out shit and put some men clothes on. Wearing stretch pants on with some timbs. You damn hypocrite. I close you with a few skits. Listen, learn, and man the fuck up.

He's Back?!?!?!?

I'm lazy. I'll admit, lazy as hell when it comes to my thing of writing. As much as I have on my plate, I should be writing at a rapid speed. As much bull crap that goes on in the world, I should be writing at least three times a day. As much shit and crap I talk online, I should be posting more. But I don't. So for anybody who thinks I'm mixed with Mexican and Asian, my own admission that I just spoke on should tell you, nope, this slanted eye, beige señor is far from that. So what exactly has been going on with me that has me not writing? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Just lazy. Well I will say I did get my degree in Communications, but even with the degree, I'm still not motivated to get it popping. I will say I must be motivated to do things and I can admit that motivation factor has been kind of low. But now that I am approaching 3/16 and I will be another year older where I did not use my talents to get me where I want to be, it's time to make it or break it for real. Too many people over the years have said, "Mike, you do good at writing rhymes." Yeah, I know, but I'm not a spitter. Plus, the shit I spit may be a little too risky in this era. "Mike, you need to do stand up." I could, but I do not think that I am funny. Honestly. I do not attend to make people laugh. The people who try are normally corny. The ones who can make people laugh with out being so are the real naturals. And maybe I am just that. "Mike, when are you coming back to the radio?" If I had the right people behind me and people who are not doing it just because they are bored, then I'm game. But with whatever I do if it is the radio, I'm doing it for funny in a business manner. Like, let's get this money. "Mike, what happen to them books you were writing?" Sitting on them. I actually finished a book years ago that I had been working on since high school and have several of other ideas that I can easily get out, but once again, it comes back to motivation. I have several other questions people ask me on the regular, but that's another story, feel me? I know I sometimes say a lot of f'd up things that seems to get a lot of people butt hurt, but some of the shit I do say is so on point. My homeboy, Lexx Luther said I remind him of this guy on the radio, Charlamagne the God because he is another person who says what is on his mind. And I listen to Charlamagne all the time on Power 105.1. Even when he was running with Wendy Williams, I was a fan. And I can see the resemblance as far as pushing the button. But shit, some of the things that I say need to be said. Because there are a lot of liars out there who are lying to their friends. Your music sucks, your breathe stinks, your hairdo is fucked up, etc. There's a few things that are off limits (my family) and that's only because I have to see these people on the regular and other reasons. But anything else is a damn go! Shout out to my homeboy Dame, a.k.a, Illaim and his boy 'Los with their sports radio show. Shout out to Lexx Luther. Me, you, and Dame need to stop fucking around. Since 98, 99, we been bullshitting with these projects we been working on. (Rapping, radio show, comic book, blogging, etc.) Let's get money!!!